So, I’m sitting here on my bedroom floor this morning starting my morning ab routine, and after 10 minutes of feeling the burn, I’m laying flat on my face. The blanket I work out on is so soft and I can feel the cool air pouring out of the floor vent, so I reach for it as I lay there. I began to think, “Man, I usually kill this workout. Why do I just want to lay on this soft blanket and close my eyes?”
Then I played the last week over in my mind: Game night with new friends, Volleyball Awards banquet with my cousins, meeting with the co-founder of (& touring) Weld, running the farmer’s market booth alone which also means driving and loading a truck and trailer alone and my day starting at 4:45AM, getting a surprise interview call from the Owner of “The Pink Bride”, meeting up with a drone pilot downtown Nashville who helped me get some awesome footage of Nashville, working 2 full 90+ degree days on the farm, as well as running my own business, (making calls, marketing, getting ready for a wedding this weekend) and also keeping up with food, sleep, and family phone calls back home.
My next thought was, “Yeah. I think I should just lay here a little longer and not feel guilty about it.” haha!!
Sometimes, I listen to Brene Brown as I farm. Yesterday was probably the 3rd time I've listened to her book "The Power of Vulnerability" and I get something new out of it every time. The main thing I got out of it this time was that our society tends to put value on things that are fun, fast, and easy. But at the same time everyone is exhausted. The reality is that things are hard and take a lot of time, thought and work. But actually, we are racing to finish things out of scarcity. Thinking that we can't be worthy of success or belonging until it's done. We forget the value of long, drawn out work. We think we will rest when it's all done- that our lives will start when your project is done. We forget it's the process that is so important. We forget to say, "This is something I'm going to work toward in the next few years, and while I'm doing it, I'm going to rest and play and create."
We need to play, rest and create. But somehow, in our society, being busy is being important.
Somehow we've convinced ourselves that if we stay busy enough we can stay right ahead of the truth in our lives.
And the truth is, is that we are exhausted, resentful, tired, and not doing enough of what we want to be doing.
It's hard to let go of productivity as self worth because in this culture what we do is who we are.
Instead, I love to ask people "what do you love?"
So anyway.
I really love pesto. lol. ;) And these new bars I discovered in the refer section in the Health Food section of the grocery store. They are good for breakfast on the go because they are about 300 calories and taste like peanut butter cookie dough.
The saddest part ;) about being single (to me) is making dinners that you love but having no one to share them with. So whenever anyone is around me at dinner time, I feed them.
Another thing Brene Brown mentioned is that it is easier to function (or not show up) than to feel.
So I've been aware to create white space- to stop doing what you think HAS to be done &
take time to feel.
Today, for example, my white space day, I opened some photos my mom sent me of my baby sis at her first ballet dress rehearsal. Since I've moved away from her, I noticed that I have a hard time talking to her & looking at her cute face as we face time because of how it feels.
It hurts. Because of how much I miss her.
So in my busy-ness I bury that hurt. Or by not face timing her, I avoid it.
So I let it come. I flipped through the photos, and I broke down crying. "I have a hard time even face-timing her.", I told my life coach.
"But you should. You should show up, you should call. When you go to avoid it because of the pain it will cause, think of it a gift to her because she loves you and needs that connection."
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